Published: September 23, 2008 10:56 pm            

STEPHANIE SALTER: $700B Wall Street bailout: Why do you think it’s called a ‘TARP’?

TERRE HAUTE — Subject: Your urgent help we seek

Warmest greetings to you, Mister or Lady American Taxpayer:

I am Henry M. Paulson Jr., representing the president of a well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere whose name I cannot reveal at this most sensitive juncture, but which I promise to disclose only to you upon receipt of your 700 billion (U.S.) dollars.

Trust me, please. I am a former titan of the highly revered and powerful entity known as “Wall Street,” which is much more than a street but requires a simple, catchy name that connotes a nice, containable geographic area rather than an unimaginable hodge-podge of financial institutions, corporations, super-funds, securities, credit derivatives and Ponzi schemes that cover the globe.

In other words, I, Henry M. Paulson Jr., representing the president of the aforementioned well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere — I know money. I know how easily it is made and how easily it is lost. I know also how the most accomplished gentlemen (and sometimes ladies) who inhabit the upper echelon of the powerful entity known as “Wall Street” manage to construct their employment agreements to ensure that — profit, loss or break even — they always walk away with compensation packages that provide them with more money than God.

In other words, I know all about risk — of other people’s money. That is why you should not hesitate to follow the instructions included later in this most urgent e-mail and send 700 billion (U.S.) dollars to me within the next TWO DAYS.

There is not a moment to delay. The fate of the entity known as Wall Street and the fate of the well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere whose name I cannot reveal rest in your generous and compassionate hands. I do not hyperbolize, either, when I tell you the fate of every nation, big and small, in every corner of the Earth, rests also in your hands. You must ACT NOW to save our very way of life.

Perhaps you, Mister or Lady American Taxpayer, are hesitant to send me, Henry M. Paulson Jr., your 700 billion (U.S.) dollars. Perhaps you are inquiring of yourself, “What’s in this for me?” Perhaps you are metaphorically scratching your head and asking, “Do I even have 700 billion (U.S.) dollars after hemorrhaging — what? — 10 billion (U.S.) dollars per month for almost six years in Iraq?”

Perhaps you are contemplating the pressing deadline of 26 September, 2008 (this Friday, no later, please!), and you are saying, “Hey, what’s the big rush?”

My answer is the same for all of your queries: You must trust me. I do not have time to explain such complexities, but I would not issue this URGENT PLEA if any other option existed.

I acknowledge that this is not the first occasion on which I have sought your kind and generous help in the financial affairs of the well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere whose name I cannot reveal. I would respectfully ask, however, that you do not dwell on the previous 139 billion (U.S.) dollars that you, Mister or Lady American Taxpayer, already contributed or promised in aid for the unfortunate victimizers — I mean victims — on Wall Street.

Those billions were for individual institutions (e.g. Freddie and Fannie, AIG, Bear Stearns). This plea for 700 billion (U.S.) dollars is for all the rest of the aforementioned hodgepodge that might experience difficulties due to greed and an excruciating lack of oversight and regulation. This is why the president of the well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere and I have named our plan the “Troubled Asset Relief Fund” — or TARP.

Contrary to vicious rumors currently circulating, our plan is not called TARP because that is what many people use to cover up a mess they do not want to see. As I explained, I am a former titan of the entity known as Wall Street. I would not be that stupid. The acronym is a mere and unfortunate coincidence, evidence that we who have designed this plan are numbers people, not wordsmiths.

In the same vein, perhaps you have heard certain derogatory speculation about specific wording in the design of our TARP bail-out, to wit, these sentences that refer now to me, Henry M. Paulson Jr.:

“Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency … Any funds expended for actions authorized by this Act, including the payment of administrative expenses, shall be deemed appropriated at the time of such expenditure.”

Mister or Lady American Taxpayer, please, do not let enemies of the well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere distract and confuse you with such nitpicking!

They attempt to make you believe that once we have received your 700 billion (U.S.) dollars, we could do anything we want — including put some of it back in the hands of the very people who created our current state of runaway troubled assets — and you would be powerless to protest.

This is a great personal insult to me, Henry M. Paulson Jr., to the many fine titans and mini-titans of the entity known as Wall Street, and to the president of the well-known nation in the Western Hemisphere. You must believe that we have learned the error of our previous ways and we do not require amateurs looking over our shoulders or telling us how to conduct our complex business.

Now, to perhaps the most attractive element of my request — the ease with which you can transfer your 700 billion (U.S.) dollars to the Troubled Asset Relief Fund.

Do nothing. Yes, Mister or Lady American Taxpayer, that is correct! You need not write a check or otherwise bother yourselves by withdrawing the requested money. Unless you or your designated representatives in Congress advise us otherwise, we will simply take the 700 billion (U.S.) dollars and use them to restore confidence in free-market capitalism.

I, Henry M. Paulson Jr., give you my word as a former titan, a secretary and a gentleman: You will not regret your kind and compassionate act at this time of crisis. Down the road … well, who can say?

Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or stephanie.salter@tribstar.com.

        

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