STEPHANIE SALTER: Hey, it’s me; I’m just eatin’ peanuts and lookin’ at some clouds

By Stephanie Salter
The Tribune-Star

TERRE HAUTE April 08, 2008 09:33 pm

— When they write the history of the end of civilization, April 7, 2008, will be pivotal.
On that date, scholars will note, the European Union set into motion one of the great preventable disasters of modern time — OKing cell phone use on commercial airliners in flight.
With one stroke, a vile cultural disease that could have been partially contained was allowed to run amok. The last area of uncontaminated public space in the universe still protected from ICPB — inane cell phone blather — was sacrificed for a warped notion of “progress.”
Ironically, the only concerns expressed by EU officials Monday were about possible price gouging by mobile phone service providers. The EU telecom commissioner was quoted in news reports, worrying: “We expect operators to be transparent and innovative in their price offerings. If consumers receive shock phone bills, the service will not take-off.”
Shock phone bills? The world should be so lucky. Short of a felony, I would do anything to keep airborne ICPB from taking off.
Not buying the disease/plague metaphor? How about the controlled substance simile?
Cell phones are like a highly potent — and highly addictive — drug. Once introduced into a person’s system, a mobile phone rapidly takes over and dictates behavior in adults and kids, alike. (Alarming factoid: Half of all U.S. minors possess a cell phone.)
People say they “have” a cell phone, but in reality, cell phones have us. They are HAL from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” a human-made device asserting control over humans.
Cell phones have us from the moment we punch in a series of numbers and symbols to activate service. All vows to use it “just for emergencies” or “only outgoing calls” disintegrate before the first billing cycle is complete. Then we call our provider to upgrade the calling plan for more monthly minutes.
Within days, once-polite and considerate people who would never dream of shouting in church or a theater, or driving with an open beer in hand, are transformed. They become distracted, impaired motorists and audience members who repeatedly interrupt plays, movies, sermons and communion with loud noises.
No one can resist the lure of a ringing, singing, tweetering, TV-theme-song-playing, cow-mooing, drum-rolling, 1812-Overture-blasting cell phone. Once in thrall to cell availability, there is no going back.
The idle hand digs reflexively in pocket or purse for a mobile, even during sleep. The very concept of quietly waiting is destroyed. Time spent standing in a checkout line, stopping at a red light, watching a smoothie be made, walking through a park or sitting in an airport boarding area is time to fill with cell phone use.
Nowhere is the breadth and depth of our addiction more obvious than on commercial aircraft. Passengers yammer into their mobiles, or feverishly punch the key pads with text, until the nano-second they are commanded to power off.
When the flight is over and the wheels touch down, the anticipation of pressing that “on” key spreads through a plane like a pungent odor from the head. At a flight attendant’s announcement, the rush of ICPB begins.
“Hi, we just landed. We’re taxiing to the gate. Yeah, we’re, like, six minutes early. OK. Yeah, I’ll be right at the curb. Bring me a Coke.”
“Hey. I’m in. You’ve got the hotel number, right? No, I just thought I’d go straight there and hit the fitness center. Right. See you in the lobby tomorrow morning.”
Plans that have been confirmed before are confirmed again because … they can be. Boring, embarrassing, aggravating narratives about personal lives and professional dilemmas are shared in minute, monotonous detail with seatmates and the occupants of a half-dozen rows, fore and aft.
And now this assault will be extended to entire flights?
Today, there are more than 3.3 billion cell phones in use on the planet. Already in Europe there are more cells than people. India, alone, is adding about 6 million subscribers each month.
Not surprising, the tech-happy United States is closing the gap with a mobile phone population penetration rate of more than 80 percent — and growing. Does anyone honestly believe the Federal Aviation Administration will hold the line and continue its 17-year ban on in-flight cell use?
Segment by segment, every inch of public space has gone down. Buses, subways, trains, restaurants, concert halls, ski lift lines, discount chain stores, city council meetings, veterinarians’ waiting rooms, hospital corridors and houses of worship. All ruined.
But even those areas offer an escape from ICPB that the European Union just obliterated: At 35,000 feet, no matter how loud, stupid or excruciating a stranger’s blather becomes, you can’t get up and leave.

Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or stephanie.salter@tribstar.com.