STEPHANIE SALTER: Explaining presidential politics to Beldar, Prymaat and Connie

By Stephanie Salter
The Tribune-Star

TERRE HAUTE January 15, 2008 10:26 pm

— Following media coverage of the presidential campaigns, I’ve found myself thinking about the Coneheads.
For those too young to know, the Coneheads were created in the 1970s for “Saturday Night Live” by Dan Aykroyd. Two “parental units” and a teenager, they were a family of space aliens trying to pass for Earthlings despite their stilted speech patterns and pointed, bald heads.
Living in upstate, suburban New York, the Coneheads explained away their strangeness by telling people, “We’re from France.” It helped that the adult Coneheads loved canned beer.
Like anyone attempting to fit into a new culture, Beldar, Prymaat and adolescent Connie (Conjaab) learned by watching, listening and imitating. That’s where the current presidential campaign comes in. What if the Coneheads used today’s news sources — TV, print and Internet — to inform their political discussions with neighbors in Parkwood Heights?
PRYMAAT: Welcome to our home. We summon you. Here is a six-pack and numerous chips. Consume mass quantities. Beldar and I have been cogitating on the presidential race. It is different from France, but we posit some understanding.
BELDAR: Yes. One of the most significant qualifications for attaining through election the leadership of the Free World is money. Each day on the television, the computer, the radio, and in the daily on the doorstep, totals of money are discussed by all. Which candidate unit has the most? Which one is running low? Candidate units who do not have big totals are — What is the pundit unit word? — inconsequential.
PRYMAAT: Without big totals, candidate units cannot buy time that is in the air.
CONNIE: No, Mom, that’s “air time.” It’s an advertising term. Candidate units must advertise themselves and their positions on the issues.
BELDAR: That is the part we do not yet grasp. What are the issues? We watch, we listen, we Google. Many pundit units speak of “the issues,” but, still, we cannot say what they are.
CONNIE: Except for abortion and marriage between gay units. We know those issues well.
BELDAR: Yes. Sometimes, a pundit unit will announce, “Today, candidate unit so-and-so released a 150-page health-care reform proposal.” An issue at last? We wait, but we hear no more. The talk returns to money.
PRYMAAT: Or to hair. We have gleaned that hair is almost as significant as money for a presidential candidate unit. If the cutting of hair costs much money, many days of analysis follow. So, too, with extremely tidy hair.
CONNIE: I have ascertained that the entire physical appearance of the only female candidate unit is even more significant than the tidy hair of the male units.
PRYMAAT: I have ascertained that everything about the only female candidate unit elicits voluminous discussion and analysis from pundit units.
BELDAR: Everything but her positions on issues.
PRYMAAT: Correct. We deduce, however, that the female unit is a “European socialist.” Despite our origins in France, we are unclear on this concept, but we suspect it is most significant.
CONNIE: Like the water in the cranial orbs.
BELDAR: Yes! Precisely when we concluded we had identified and comprehended the many special criteria for the only female candidate unit, trace amounts of water in the cranial orbs occurred. Days of pundit unit analysis commenced. We were back to the primary equi-distant, four-sided configuration.
CONNIE: Square one.
PRYMAAT: On our planet, er, in France, water in the cranial orbs is not unlike U.S. candidate units with no money — inconsequential … Beldar! I made a joke!
BELDAR: Most efficiently executed, dear.
PRYMAAT: Repeatedly, on the television and computer we viewed the appearance of the trace amounts of water in the only female candidate unit’s cranial orbs. We listened with acute attention as pundit units debated all aspects of the water.
BELDAR: Yes. The water did not overflow the orb sockets and roll down the female unit’s visage; the female unit did not cease to speak, but her voice was altered; the occurrence of the trace amounts of water may or may not have been “choreographed.”
CONNIE: We do presume from the pundit and exit-poll units that the water in the female candidate unit’s cranial orbs inspired thousands of New Hampshirean female units to cast ballots for her. This was an undesirable outcome for the male candidate units in the party of the Democrats.
BELDAR: I continue to be bewildered. Why is the term, “party”? Democrats or Republicans, we never see anyone drink beer.
PRYMAAT: Family values.
BELDAR: Clarification, dear?
PRYMAAT: I am apologetic, Beldar. I instantaneously recalled another issue. Family values. Sometimes also referred to as “traditional” values. All candidate units of the gop party orate enthusiastically on this issue.
CONNIE: It’s not “gop,” Mom, it’s G-O-P. It represents “grand old party.”
PRYMAAT: Your parental unit stands corrected. But I remain in the opposite of light regarding the parameters of this issue. Initially, I presumed it excluded candidate units who had rejected their legal spouses and acquired others, but several goppers — Republicans — have done that. The TV lawyer, the war hero. The candidate unit who dresses in female attire on occasion and will make the world safe from terrorists has rejected two spouses.
BELDAR: Initially I presumed that traditional/family values were synonymous with adherence to deity worship, but that cannot be correct. All candidate units in the party of the Republicans and the party of the Democrats claim faith in the same deity.
PRYMAAT: We have no alternative but to continue our vigilant and tenacious search for answers. Perhaps enlightenment will come to us on Super Tuesday.
BELDAR: Until then, we are in need of mass quantities of beer.
Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or stephanie.salter@tribstar.com.