Published: May 10, 2008 10:58 pm            

Column: Is your candidate a regular person?

JEFFERSONVILLE, Ind. — Newsweek calls it the “Bubba Gap” — the paradoxical perception that the first African American presidential candidate, Barrack Obama is an elitist, who is out of touch with American voters.

Most politicians must confront this issue sooner or later. Adali Stevenson could never convince voters that he wasn’t an egghead and John Kerry was constant hamstrung by his Boston Brahmin associations. George W. Bush managed to dodge his exclusive upbringing with his Texas accent and by dipping his silver spoon in Budweiser back in college. Franklin Roosevelt, who look like the caricature of a millionaire straight from a Monopoly game, and the Kennedy’s were both able to playfully exploit their elitist connections, as America seemed to take pride in their patrician excesses.

Obama, of course, has been his own worse enemy with his “price of arugula” comments and the crack about us bitter small town Midwesterners clinging to our religion and guns. Here in Indiana that’s nothing to joke about. The Clinton campaign took immediate advantage, calling these remarks “elitist, out of touch, and frankly patronizing.”

And it is not clear that all the bowling in the world, or even wolfing down tons of cholesterol-laden local delicacies, can overcome a perception that opponents are sure to exploit.

All this reminds me of the famous “regular person” speech on the old Bill Cosby Show. When reproached for his poor grades, Theo, Cosby’ s teenage son on the program, gives an eloquent rejoinder about how he may be destined to just be a “regular person” unlike his father, a successful physician or his mother, a high powered lawyer. The studio audience actually applauded the speech, until Cosby challenged his son’s rationalization for mediocrity, saying that it was the “stupidest thing he ever heard.”

As voters we are conflicted like the audience. While we inherently want candidates who are regular people, we also know what big goof-offs we all tend to be, so we are drawn towards people who are more successful and sophisticated than ourselves. I am not sure that anyone who has been a United States Senator, lived in the White House for eight years, had four-star admirals for a father and grandfather, or was the editor of the Harvard Law Review qualifies as a “regular person.” These people have people — people who do just about everything for them. But giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps somewhere in their past they have had some regular person experience.

Hillary Clinton joked that maybe she and Barack should settle the democratic primary with a bowling match- a prototypical regular person contest. While that was a good start, I think is was too limited in scope, so I offering all the candidates the following “ regular person test” — winner take all.

The Stawar Regular Person Test

1. Have you ever owned a television set that required the use of pliers to change the channel? (10 points) (2 bonus points if it was a color set and everyone was maroon and 5 bonus points if it had a coat hanger for an antenna).

2. Have you personally plunged a toilet and had some of the water splash back on you? (5 points)

3. Have you held a job that in some manner involved french fried potatoes? (5 points)

4. Have you ever put $5 or less worth of gasoline in your car? (10 points)

5. Have you ever run out of toilet paper and used Kleenex instead? (5 points) (2 bonus points for napkin, newspaper, or paper towel use) (50 bonus point for corncob).

6. Have you seen one of your parents try to get the wax out of their ear using any implement other than a Q-tip ? (5 points) (5 bonus points if it was a car key)

7. Have you ever asked for extra cool whip? (5 points)

8. Have you ever owned bookcases made out of bricks and planks? (5 points)

9. Have you ever stripped off articles of clothing in the laundry room and thrown them directly in the washer? (10 points) (5 bonus points if you ended up completely nude)

10. Have you bought things at Pier One Imports because you thought it was cool? (5 points)

11. Have you ever personally repaired anything using duct tape, chicken wire, or Elmer’s glue? (10 points)

12.Like the character on the sitcom “Rhoda,” have you ever used glasses that had a picture of the Hamburglar on it? (10 points)

13. Have you ever used an Arby’s two for one coupon? (5 points)

14. Have you ever made your own lemonade in a restaurant? (5 points)

15. Have you ever stuck a knife in a catsup bottle to get the catsup out? (5 points)

16. Do you know the first name of the guy who repairs your car? (5 points) (0 points for knowing the first name of the guy who drives your car and -5 points for knowing the first name of the guy who pilots your jet).

17. Do you know the price of a breakfast burrito? (5 points)

18. Have you ever pushed a hand lawn mower? (5 points)

19. Have you ever changed a tire or flirted with someone until they changed it for you? (5 points).

20. Was there a time when you packed your own lunch? (5 points)

21. Have you ever eaten a piece of cake over the trash can in the kitchen. (5 points) (10 bonus points if you actually took the cake out of the trash can to eat)

22. Have you ever stapled your clothing together for any reason? (5 Points) (5 bonus points if you stapled the seam in a pair of pants with the seat busted out)

23. Have you ever drank warm soda pop with your breakfast?

24. Have you ever worn underpants with more than one hole in them? (5 points)

Scoring

Add or deduct the proper number of points for each item.

The results

• 120-250 points — A Bit Too Regular .

• 50-119 points —Regular Person

• 25-49 points — Slightly Snotty

• -5-24 —Arugula eating, Sherry Swilling, polo-playing elitist



Terry L. Stawar writes for The Evening News in Jeffersonville, Ind. He can be reached at tstawar@lifespr.com.

        

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