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December 11, 2011

STEPHANIE SALTER: Carols for the worn, weary and wigged out

For those who are agog and aglow with “the season” — you who start bouncing and humming in Toys R Us at the intro guitar notes of “Jingle Bell Rock” — better search elsewhere for a soul mate.

But you who find “the holidays” about as warm and fuzzy as the presidential election season — you who suspect that, any day now, a dollar bill will replace Baby Jesus in the manger — perhaps you’d care to have a seat and sing along.

(To the tune of “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye, merry Christmas songs

Ye bring me such dismay

Ye start in stores and shopping malls

Before Columbus Day

Ye make me think of Satan’s pow’r

To drive the sane astray

Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy

(To the tune of “Rudolph,  the Red-Nose Reindeer”)

Rudolph, the blow-up reindeer

Puffs to life each night at dark

Followed by Santa, sleigh-bound

You can almost hear his “Hark!”

All of the other reindeer

Rise in perfect symmetry

Long as the juice keeps flowing

Yea for electricity!

But a caution you should heed

Always pay your bill

Or the crew won’t leave the ground

They’ll lie in a soggy mound

Then watch the neighbors shun you

How they’ll shout it out with glee

“What dork keeps blow-up reindeer,

“Without electricity?!!”

(To the tune of “Hark!

The Herald Angels Sing!”

Hark, the card swipes beep and ring,

Racking up all sorts of bling

Shoppers bold and shoppers mild

Fear not debt, they’re reconciled

Who cares how they’ll pay the bi-ills?

All that counts is shopping thri-ills

Bargains are the Holy Grail

Next month’s the time to weep and wail

Hark! The card swipes beep and ring

Buy now, pay later for the bling

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    March 12, 2010