Published: April 28, 2008 11:50 pm            

Ms. Takes: Life is all about making choices

Advice columns are fascinating. I’ve long aspired to write one.

Some years ago, a former colleague and I discussed getting together to write such a column. She was younger than I, so we thought of giving it a two-generational slant. We even picked a name, “Carin’ and Sharin’”. We thought it would be fun and, just maybe, helpful. I think she was going to be the one who cared, and I would be the one who shared. Or, maybe it was the other way around? Nothing came of it, but I still think about it now and then.

I’m not sure how we planned to solicit letters asking our advice, but we did agree that we’d not offer unsolicited advice. You have to assume that if someone asks, they really want an opinion. Unsolicited advice? Well, nobody likes a buttinsky!

Even IF someone asks for our advice, we realized that we’d have to be prepared for having them ignore it. At least they asked and we gave an opinion based on our experience. No point in getting our feelings hurt if they turned thumbs down! After all, a lot of folks don’t want advice. What they REALLY want is for someone else to validate a choice they have already made.

We agreed that advice goes down better if offered as a series of choices. One choice is always to limp along with the status quo and people often seem to prefer doing that and playing martyr. Or, if they are looking to change someone else’s behavior, that’s probably not going to happen. Think about convincing a friend to quit smoking. The smoker knows it’s a bad health choice, but only the smoker can choose to give it up. No one can do it for them and nagging won’t cut it.

My friend and I figured we’d do all right if we pointed out choices and let our questioner pick which seemed to work best in the circumstances. If we can’t change our friends, we have the choice of accepting THEIR choices — ill-advised or not — or change our attitude toward their choices. We can’t let it worry us to the point of distraction.

My friend and I used to entertain each other by offering alternative advice to that dispensed by “Dear Abby” and “Ann Landers”. Sometimes we thought our answers were better, but usually Abby and Ann gave the kind of informed advice which constitutes common sense. And shouldn’t common sense dictate all of life’s choices?

Sadly, common sense isn’t all that common.

Liz Ciancone is a retired Tribune-Star reporter. Send e-mail to opinion@tribstar.com.

        

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