Since Jan. 13, I haven’t watched the NFL Network, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN13, ESPN57 or any other version of ESPN.
Since Jan. 13, I haven’t read most of my favorite NFL Web sites.
Since Jan. 13, I haven’t eaten or drank anything.
OK, the last part was an exaggeration. But I really haven’t been myself since the Indianapolis Colts lost at home to the San Diego Chargers in the AFC playoffs — coincidentally on Jan. 13.
I was so confident the Colts were destined for a repeat trip to the Super Bowl, so sure they would beat the New England Patriots in the AFC championship game, that I may have overlooked the Chargers.
Now I’m forced to watch a Colts-less Super Bowl this Sunday, which leads us to my annual Super Bowl odds column.
For those unfamiliar with this premise, allow me to explain.
The Super Bowl is the most heavily bet-upon sporting event in the country each year. “America’s Line,” which the Tribune-Star runs regularly on the Scoreboard Page, always comes up with unique odds in the two weeks prior to the NFL’s showcase game.
For example, not only does America’s Line say the Patriots are favored to defeat the New York Giants by 12 points, it says the odds of Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes winning the Super Bowl MVP award are 20-1. (In my opinion, Lawrence Taylor has a better chance than Lawrence Tynes.)
My goal is to provide odds that are even more “out there” than those originating from America’s Line. I usually succeed and today’s column should be no exception.
Before we begin, let’s not forget the disclaimer: The Tribune-Star does not promote gambling.
With that out of the way, here are my slightly strange odds for Super Bowl XLII:
• 2-1 that Mercury Morris, who seems to be the unofficial spokesperson for the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, will show up at the University of Phoenix Stadium wearing an Eli Manning jersey.
• 2-1 that retired New York Giants running back Tiki Barber will show up wearing a Tom Brady jersey.
• 20-1 that O.J. Simpson will be Fox Sports’ halftime guest (if he’s out of jail).
• 200-1 that O.J. Simpson will be Fox Sports’ halftime guest (if he’s in jail).
• 6-1 that the Riley American Legion will be the most fun place to watch the Super Bowl from in Vigo County.
• 1-1 that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, whether he’s in Dallas, Mexico or Charleston, Ill., will be partying with at least one attractive female.
• 3-1 that regardless of how the Giants do, they won’t miss the mouth of injured tight end Jeremy Shockey on their sideline one bit.
• 1,000-1 that New England coach Bill Belichick will smile at some point Sunday.
• 4-1 that if the cheating Patriots win to go 19-0, I will vomit chunks so enormous that security will eject me from where ever I’m watching the end of the game.
• 1,000,000-1 that if the Patriots win, their fans will handle a Super Bowl victory with grace and humility.
n 50-1 that New England safety Rodney Harrison will become frustrated and attempt to inject HGH (Human Growth Hormone) into his body at some point during the game.
• 5-1 that New England defensive tackle Vince Wilfork will deliver a pointless cheap shot at some unsuspecting Giant, forcing the NFL to fine him again.
n 10,000-1 that Eli Manning will become more famous than big brother Peyton because of his performance in this game.
• 1-10 that this Super Bowl won’t feel the same without the Colts in it.
David Hughes can be reached by phone at 1-800-783-8742, Option 4, or at (812) 231-4224; by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org; or by fax at (812) 231-4276.