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January 14, 2014

Clark the Cub takes his place among pro sports' worst mascots

The Chicago Cubs have broken 138 years of mascot-free tradition by introducing Clark the Cub, who will entertain young fans at Wrigley Field beginning this season. Judging from reaction on the Internet, Clark instantly deserves a place on the list of pro sports' worst mascots. Here are our ideas for some other entries.

Clark the Cub (Chicago Cubs)

After 138 years of near-constant futility, the Cubs, in an apparent effort to divert fan attention from the inept product on the field, have unveiled their first mascot. Clark, named for one of the streets bordering Wrigley Field, will have his own clubhouse at the ballpark, and he won’t do typical mascot things like dance on the roof of the dugouts or throw T-shirts or hot dogs into the stands. That still doesn’t make the idea good.

Boltman (San Diego Chargers)

Perhaps this guy and Max Headroom were separated at birth. Sure, the idea of a muscular, ripped bolt of electricity might sound intimidating, but the effect of this costume is just bewildering from top to bottom.

Raymond (Tampa Bay Rays)

Supposedly discovered by Rays scouts on a fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico (according to the team’s website), Raymond has been described as a “sea dog,” but with an inordinate amount of light blue fur covering his face, he looks more like a cross between a bloated walrus and a frozen manatee.

Finn the Whale (Vancouver Canucks)

Usually seen skating around the ice during intermissions at Canucks home games blowing smoke (literally) out of the blowhole in his back, Finn looks less like a whale than a deformed penguin. Oh, and he has a disturbing habit of chomping down on the heads of children.

Screech (Washington Nationals)

Screech is bald eagle in a similar way that Washington is a city full of politicians who all get along. “Hatched” to coincide with baseball’s return to the nation’s capital in 2005, Screech has undergone a makeover recently, but he still resembles some sort of elderly, oversized pigeon.

Pierre the Pelican (New Orleans Pelicans)

Once the NBA team in the Big Easy announced it would be surrendering its “Hornets” nickname in favor of the Pelicans, it was probably inevitable that a goofy mascot would appear at New Orleans Arena. But who could have foreseen a murderous-looking clown face perched atop a body with wings that look like they came out of an old mop closet?

Wild Wing (Anaheim Ducks)

If Daffy Duck and Jason from the Friday the 13th movies ever got together, their offspring might look like this attempt at a menacing mascot.

Spartacat (Ottawa Senators)

Supposedly this is a lion meant to strike fear in the hearts of Senators opponents, but with his spaghetti-like hair and hilariously gnarled teeth, this guy succeeds only in looking pitifully strange.

Dinger (Colorado Rockies)

Pretty much anything that looks like — or was supposedly inspired by — Barney, gains automatic entry onto this list. The brightly colored spots only make things worse.

Rumble the Bison (Oklahoma City Thunder)

According to the Thunder’s website, this long-haired beast joined the team after being struck by lightning and acquiring superior basketball abilities. But the stumpy horns and empty brown eyes kind of ruin what we assume should be a look of intimidation, leaving Oklahoma City hoops fans with an abject, bizarre-looking creature as their team’s mascot.

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