By Andy Amey
The Tribune-Star
TERRE HAUTE
April 09, 2008 11:11 pm
—
If I look a little bit bigger to you since the Ameys returned late last week from their Gatlinburg vacation, it could be a consequence of the southern Tennessee cuisine, whose three basic food groups appear to be pancakes, barbecue and fudge.
Or it could be the steroids.
Yes, I’m currently the midst of my self-imposed 25-game suspension from major league baseball, but at least for a good reason. If you were awakened at about 4:30 a.m. on April 1, in fact, it could have been from my screams of agony — I’m sure they could have carried the 500 miles from there to here.
I started having back spasms a day earlier, and they made me a real joy to be with while taking the kids to the aquarium that afternoon. But some swimming pool time seemed to clear them up a little bit, and I was even able to do a few stretches before going to bed.
Getting out of bed the next day, however, was not so easy (and not
nearly as quiet).
I finally accomplished that task by lying on my stomach and slithering to the edge of the bed, and spent the next eight or nine hours in a chair while Jenny searched valiantly for medical facilities (a trip to the bathroom required about an hour of planning and a considerable amount of screaming and swearing). But although it took her two trips — one to set up the appointment, the other to get me there — she found the Pigeon Forge Medical Clinic, and Wes the nurse and Dr. Tim got me the steroid shot and the pills. By the next day I was ready for the rides at Dollywood.
But if that injury made me the April Fool (Jenny and the kids would probably tell you that wasn’t the only time), the rest of the vacation was pretty cool — although Dolly was tied up with American Idol and unable to baby-sit. Here are some highlights.
• Arrival — The last 100 yards of any long trip seem to be the hardest, which means that once again next spring the kids will get in the car to depart and say, “Dad, are we going to get lost again this year?”
I’d never been to Gatlinburg, and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. What I discovered — before we even got lost — was kind of a cross between the Covered Bridge Festival and Las Vegas, with a little bit of Orlando mixed in. Even Dolly admits it’s kind of tacky in spots (please tell me I don’t have to identify Dolly for you; would I have to identify Mickey in Orlando?), and there’s no shortage of neon.
Our accommodations were first-rate once we found them, however, with a gorgeous mountain view (lots of gorgeous mountain views down there, of course) and a rushing stream outside our window loud enough to confuse with a cloudburst. I think it’s also the first place I’ve visited where the packet of information you find in the room included this command: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FEED THE BEARS!
• First day — Our place was advertised as being within walking distance of the downtown attractions, so we tested that theory. Leisurely late pancake breakfast, a stop at Mr. Tablecloth (Jenny’s choice, of course) — and the discovery that downtown is closer getting there (downhill) than back to the hotel (uphill). Drove to Pigeon Forge for supper at the Old Mill, built in 1830 and still grinding — church-supper food, and enough leftovers to keep our refrigerator full for the rest of the week.
• Second day — Lunch at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, kind of a pricey chain; I thought it was pretty good, Jenny not so enthusiastic. More leftovers, and I’ve got to quit sitting between Darcy and JoJo and finishing their stuff. Ryan had a cheeseburger.
Spent the afternoon driving through Great Smoky Mountains National Park, including the loop through the abandoned Cade’s Cove settlement. Saw herds and herds of deer, but no bears yet.
• Third day — Lunch at Bennett’s Barbecue, where I had pork shoulder (very good) and fried okra (not a favorite yet) and Jenny had a BLFGT (bacon, lettuce, fried green tomato). The kids got root beer floats, and Ryan had a cheeseburger.
Took the Gatlinburg Trolley around town to get to and from Ripley’s Aquarium (not huge, but has a walkway under the main tank that lets you experience fish — and lots and lots of sharks — from all sides). I’m learning that if you order a salad at a fast-food restaurant here, they look at you funny.
• Fourth day — Got through it thanks to John Olsen’s book and an immense amount of help and patience from the kids and Jenny. Plus the steroids, of course. Naturally this was also the day with the nicest weather while we were there.
• Fifth day — But the weather on April 2 wasn’t bad either, so it was off to Dollywood. Wasn’t sure what to expect there either, but it’s now in the argument for best theme park yet.
The rides were ones the kids (and Jenny or I, on the ones where JoJo was too short to go without an adult) could enjoy, and we didn’t even get to the big coasters for Ryan. JoJo certainly did enjoy them; she’d get off each one screaming, “That was rad! That was awesome!” and was actually trash talking on the merry-go-round. Darcy is the carnival queen, and wound up winning enough stuff that she even gave a guitar to JoJo (although it’s pink, not JoJo’s favorite color).
Ryan got radical and had a hot dog instead of a cheeseburger, but the country-themed concessions included ham and beans (Jenny’s choice) and homemade ice cream (mine).
And while Jenny was having her ham and beans, the kids and I got in line for one of the Dolly-themed shows, which led to Jenny’s favorite part of the day. We’d told the usher (and banjo player, it turned out) that she’d be joining us, and when she got there he asked her, “Are you with two little girls and an old man? One of those girls is really wired up.
“The girls are pretty cute, but I can’t say much for the old man.”
Had supper at the Lineberger Seafood Company, a pretty elegant chain by most standards and incredibly elegant for Gatlinburg. Enjoyed both the swordfish (my dinner) and stuffed flounder (the rest of Jenny’s).
• Last day — One more walking trip around town for me and the kids to see the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum, the wax museum and the Hollywood cars while Jenny started organizing the packing for the trip home. Then finished off the last night with the horses, the pig races, the ostrich races and another obscene amount of food at Dolly’s Dixie Stampede dinner show.
Never did see a bear, but saw something just as surprising. While watching Arena Football on one of the southern sports channels, I saw that Doug Kay is the head coach of the Columbus Destroyers. That’s the same Doug Kay who was Jerry Huntsman’s defensive coordinator during my days at Indiana State, so I guess you’d call him a veteran of the coaching wars.
Andy Amey can be reached after 4 p.m. for comments or news items at 1-800-783-8742 or at (812) 231-4277; by e-mail at andy.amey@tribstar.com; by mail at P.O. Box 149, Terre Haute, IN, 47808; or by fax at (812) 231-4321.
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